The Unexpected

When understanding is reached, even one word is too much... and yet, here I sit, seeking to correlate these recent experiences and be aware of this culmination.

Surprise! is the theme for this spring... a veritable smorgasbord of the unexpected and the delightfully unforeseen... I have waited years for this.

In trying to explain and give background to my life in conversational context, I've been lately stumbling over epiphanies that have stunned me about myself. It's been altogether humbling, disappointing, and surprising. It's amazing how just verbalizing phrases or ideas I've known for so long is what finally draws out logical conclusions... forcing the mind, perhaps, to finally admit what it refused to conclude so long as these notions were left to its own dark environs... so much for Crowley's theory of lies... for once, it doesn't apply.

Over the last couple of years I've had the opportunity to reacquaint myself with family and friends, people I had impressions of at one time totally blew those out of the water, and I'm glad. I'm glad to see I'm either wrong in making assumptions/assessments/what I was told, or that the dynamic in peoples' lives allows them to keep growing... My worst fear for anyone is permanent stagnancy and its utter acceptance.

Not only that, but I've been astounded at how people think of me... that they think of me. The selfishness that comes from thinking you are all you have to trust and rely on results eventually in the assumption that you do not have a place amongst the considerations made by others.

I sat today and realized the force of my silence and sole expectation in another's ability to self-govern have far greater weight over the ones I care about than any attempt to exert force over someone's actions or make demands... even to the point of them being petrified of the mere anticipation of my anger or shame at my disapproval. One day I will be able to explain this in terms of 'The Lonely Crowd'... which would be fascinating.

A single subtle gesture from me apparently has a marked effect to change the way someone is interacting with me. I've practiced this with strangers... wasn't until today that I noticed its dramatic affect on my friends. I'm kind of relishing it - as a potential display of mutual respect and ability to ease a situation, if not allow volumes to be spoken without saying a word.