Existential Butterflies

"The man remembered having a cat once, if memories could be trusted as anything more than neuron configurations across trillions of synapses. Memories could not be touched with one's fingers. Could not be felt like the surf flowering over his gnarled toes could be felt. But then what were physical feelings but more electrical messages from the brain? Why believe in them either? Was there anything trustworthy in the Universe that one could hug and hold onto like a Hawaliusian wind staunch in the midst of a butterfly storm, apart form a Hawaliusian wind staunch?

"Bloody butterflies, thought the man. Once they'd figured to the wing fluttering a continent away thing, millions of mischievous lepidoptera had banded together and turned malicious.

"Surely that cannot be real, he thought. Butterfly storms?

... "If a thing was bound never to happen, then that thing would resolutely refuse not to happen as soon as possible.

"Butterfly storms. It was only a matter of time.

... "Was there anything to trust? anything to take comfort from?
Ah, yes, thought the old man. Tea. At the center of an uncertain and possibly illusory universe there would always be tea."

i'm borrowing words, borrowing thoughts, images... anything... everything
i can't make anything any more; i'm just destroying... demolishing.
those small moments when i think i'll arrange or clean up, they are feeble lies. for, though, yes, it's sanitary, tidy, neatly arranged, stacked on shelves - it's all broken, torn apart, missing, and out of place.
i have familiarity and i have things, but i don't belong anywhere. everything has been temporary : no job for more than 3 years, no man for more than he thinks he deserves me, no life, no calling - nothing more than an empty ruse of wasted potential... potential for what? to be this great thing that no one can really say
a jack of all trades, master of none save loneliness - except i've learned once again, that i can be even lonelier than i thought i was when i was lonely.
if you look at me... you are seeing a shell... whatever was inside died long ago, it kept fighting to live, but now jostles, dried up and tumbling down the abyss...
once my books are gone from here, my very soul will no longer be - no bright hopes, no plans, just one goal : June... i have to make it to June, and i have to do it on my own

loneliness becomes selfishness which in turn makes the loneliness deeper and self-imposed...

among the padded walls

"'You need to be locked in a room with padded walls.'"

"To this day, that's what my mother playfully tells me when something I say or do strikes her as silly. The padded walls are a clear reference to a mental institution, which I find uproariously ironic, because although I've never seen the inside of an inpatient health facility, I've worked in more than my fair share of corporate American cubicles, most of which are comprised of three and a half walls upholstered in drab gray fabric padding"

... how congruent ...

choco bribes

Jer: there's no point in taking calls if you're not gonna do anything

McGlame!!!: >:o <--floor leads

Jer: i have two bits of good news

McGlame!!!: i agree, actually

Jer: 1 is that all candy (choco) at RA is 2/$1

McGlame!!!: but the authoritah wouldn't...
cool

Jer: 2 is that the geese are migrating northward

McGlame!!!: excellent!

Jer: oh, there is a 3rd... i stocked up on choco
for bribery

McGlame!!!: lol
back in the day, there used to be a thriving barter system in 2nd shift... but it was goods-for-goods based... tea for chocolate for example...

Jer: choco for tickets

McGlame!!!: you seem to be developing a system of goods for services...

Jer: it's how i get minions when beat-down is not pertinent

McGlame!!!: lol

Jer: if you can't make friends, bribe 'em

Beating Nomnoms

Jer: FEM : "so what do i need to do with this busted handset and cord?"
me : "whatever you'd like"
FEM : "so... can i beat some of my people with it?"
me: "so long as it's squared through your DM"

Limey: hahaha

Jer: (9:04 PM) Jer: vikki's been spoiling me with food
(9:04 PM) Dustin: WTF
(9:04 PM) Dustin: where's mine
(9:05 PM) Jer: umm.... waiting here for you
(9:05 PM) Jer: traitor
(9:05 PM) Dustin: lol
(9:25 PM) Dustin: Is Vikki there?
(9:27 PM) Jer: she wandered away
Jer nom-nom-noms
(9:28 PM) Dustin: >:o
Jer laughs so hard... tears... stream... down...

Cold Objectivism

Jer: BLEH!!!!

Limey: It's copld
*cold

Jer: don't i know it!!
>>Jer has hot cocoa, kefir, cheese and reese's

Limey: nice

>>Jer also has cheese-filled croissants

Limey: good good you have snacks to make you

Jer: how ben has kept me schmitten for so long, i'll never know
and i actually woke up early enough to run errands... i was so proud
but i didn't wake up early enough to make brekkers, so, kinda miffed
so i bought pastries instead

Limey: I know how that goes

Jer: uh oh... i'm on edie's 'capable' list
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Jer: "be compassionate enough to not ask questions"

Limey: yeah but there is a difference between not having to ask and feeling one has to explain

Jer: you'd've had to've read teh book to understand that quote
which you and ashley should anyway
it's an amazing book
the Fountainhead
or maybe it was Atlas Shrugged
prolly the latter, but you can't read Atlas Shrugged without reading the Fountainhead
it means a quiet acceptance... not not asking, but harboring questions

Limey: sounds like a good read

Jer: it is awesomeness.. objectivism is a necessary perspective
it makes things that don't quite fit make so much sense
it changed my life
"there are no lousy jobs, just lousy men who don't care to do them"

Limey: A job is a job, you're getting a payment for something you agreed to do, if you agreed to it you can't really bitch

Jer: nah, it's more about doing what needs to be done regardless
if you need to have something, do what you need to do to have it
if you're unwilling to 'stoop' to do something that is pertinent, then you suck
she is one of those lousy men... she doesn't work because she's not willing to do something 'lame' like actually work in order to make her life what she wants it to be

Limey: I don't understand people who think a job is beneath them even when they are desperate.. like sheenah

Jer: yup

Limey: if your desperate a job is a job what does it matter, it's just a stepping stone until you can find something better to improve things

Jer: it's 'beneath them' because they're unwilling to have integrity
in reality, they are beneath the job

Limey: in sheenah's case that's very true, she can't hold a job because she can't do what's needed or be responsible enough to keep it, they think they should fit to suit her life

Jer: hahah! like she has a 'life'
lousy men are the ones who think they should get paid for existing

Limey: hehe
her life consists of wasting her time, bitching that she needs a job but not looking for one, drinking and complaining that life's not fair because her boyfriend got arrested for a dui whilst on probation

Jer: i my case, though, i'd be willing to take a lesser job, but there are reasons why it would be too frustrating for me to do so : i need to have 2 things done that a poorly-paying job would not allow me to get done
sounds familiar
but, i wouldn't be beyond taking a 'crappy' well-paying job
cuz it will afford me what i need to have happen

Limey: yup sometimes circumstances mean you have to look for something better but if it comes down to it, an income is an income

Jer: i've thought about maybe doing something like cigarette sales.. make like $100 in tips a day
plus like $8/hour
$600/week
Limey: That's decent money

Jer: i think i'm gonna talk to joseppe and bryan xion to see what jobs they've got... it'll be crappy, but it'll at least get me out there
then i can wait on a better job

Limey: :P

Jer: 80xxxxxx
omfg
apparently no one on this last weekend is capable of reloading a damn VRU

Limey: eurgh of course the vru drops daily at 16:30
that's when it cycles everything for wilcal
but whoever they spoke with needs slapped

Jer: indeed

Limey: at that time most likely someone 2nd shift
shame we can't see who looked at it

Jer: someone took it out of monitor status, but apparently that was someone today

Limey: yeah

Jer: oh .... hmmm... KSU's been worked on too... that could cause some problems

Limey: I'd say so

Jer: so, if Edie thinks i'm capable... i probably won't be fired if they start trying to deplete our department more

Limey: :-D

Jer: i have a weird feeling that something unpredictable is going to happen
so, i'm predicting that something unpredictable will happen

Limey: haha always expect the unexpected

Jer: the spanish inquisition

losing what's lost

"I needed to be distracted from my own brutal self-talk because i knew i couldn't allow myself to listen to it. i'm fragile and sensitive, but consciously knowing this does little to shelter me from harm... i needed to keep my mind and my hands busy with whatever diversion i could root out.. my sanctuary. My happy place. within its boundaries i could completely forget about the crippling storm brewing all around me."
-Meshugenah

thus spake the demiurge

Friday, January 7, 2011
Jer: jews have proper buscuits
like their sheets
doh
Limey: hehe
Hmm, bacon and chocolate, you know someone has to make a bacon chocolate ice cream
Jer: you know what we should do if snow turns so deep... start piling proper and building tunnels for sidewalks and streets
Limey: That sounds good
Jer: you could make home icecream with bacon+choco
sounds reasonable
Limey: hehe
anyways I'm out
Jer: RUN AWAY!!!
there will be bacon upon the morrow!!!
Limey: SWEET
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Jer: bleh
Limey: tis a sucky day
Jer: i pondered not getting out of bed
.
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Jer: they don't get a choice
Limey: That's the main thing, so long as those that matter could have it explained to and would realize it's not about "devil worship" are the ones to keep
Jer: and they can watch a video
Limey: hahaha
Jer: hahah, the funny thing about 'devil worship' is the entire premise of satanism and gnosticism is that the 'maker of heaven and earth' is Ialdoboath... the demiurge... the darkness... and their belief is that Ialdoboath is what the christians really worship... satanism mocks it and gnosticism calls the old-testament god the devil
Jer: so, to other christian traditions, the Pauline christians are really the 'devil worshipers'
Limey: haha
Jer: and gnostics worship the source, the light
which, consequently, they believe to be hermaphroditic - both and neither
Limey: I always used to confound neil with the argument of.. well if everything created by god is a part of him, wouldn't that mean when he created the angels lucifer and satan and they fell from grace to become evil.. would that not mean god is in part like humans evil
but he used to get frustrated with if we didn't evolve why do we have tailbones
Jer: the gnostic perspective is that the darkness, created by sophia as an abomination (she created alone, without the consort of the light/supreme god-head), wondered at the light and every time it tried to reach out to it, it could never touch it.... it turned inward and made the world, trapped rays of light (angels/archons) and made them into bodies/spheres, and trapped other souls and made them into living creatures and man
sophia is the 'veil'
so, we are excised pieces of light trapped in shells of darkness
which, in a purely scientific sense, is entirely true
all matter is energy...
Limey: yup, that would make sense to me
Jer: just not very bright-glowing energy
Limey: and energy itself cannot be destroyed or created, just changed from one form to another
Jer: it has a greater degree of finite than other forms of energy.. it's not free
it's trapped
but, it's purest form is radiant energy
and somehow we've always been conscious of that on some level
it's why we don't think we belong here
the soul or mind or whatever it is, is a product of electrical current, of chemically-induced spurts of energy... it know what it is
mwahahhaahaahhaaha
they had this shit figured out 10K years ago... it just got all mucked up
Limey: yes well, unfortunately some greedy ass humans came along
Jer: nah... they just took the knowledge they had in front of them and rehashed it like i just did in a way that made sense to them and others based on their status quo... and when someone picked up that assessment years later, they did the same thing... on and on and on until it pretty much just became innocuous words

how the wee place looked... it's all coming down now