From Old Notes of Yesteryear

anti-existential exercises

I don't mean anything to him -- never have.. just those lonely moments when he has nothing else to turn to, i am always there... and i'm there because all i have are those moments...

is that enough? maybe it is not enough... but it is enough when those are all i have left, why should it be any less if i have all the world?

i've run out of things and people to fill the gap... cuz for me, like him: nothing means anything...

embrace the nothing? 

 i wrote this little mantra... and i've basically refused to allow myself to legitimize the meaning of anything - it's validity and implications (specifically) are meaningless...

if i start thinking about something, i'll stop myself, think 'no, cuz that means you're thinking (i.e. making stuff up to justify something i don't understand)... if i get emotional or defensive, i'll stop myself and think 'no, cuz that means it means something'... and i take a deep breath, and think about sunflowers or gaillardia and some faceless chick with long brown hair strolling in a field of flowers instead

and if i want to tell him something or send him a pic or something funny, i just think about all the emails i just deleted from my sent box that he never replied to, and that post i had on his profile that was the 2nd post he ever commented on in 2 years... and i tell myself 'fuck it'... i think about gaillardia and a chick strolling through a field... and carry on doing something else, cuz whatever i wanted to put out there doesn't mean anything... just the field of flowers and the girl with the long brown hair

the gap is disappearing... not being filled.. but imploding...